Write it out.

We all have a story. Behind the "hey, how are you" and the "I'm fine" exchange there is a story for each face that is waiting to be shared. Each story is different, you may never hear the same exact one. We all hold onto different joys, different hurts, and can talk for hours about the different twists and turns that life has taken us through. Each story shared could change what friendship really looks like. Each story shared could have the potential to break down the walls that we so easily put up towards others, and reveal what authenticity really looks like. Each story shared could have the potential to shake up this world that we've created and show others that the straining of smiling faces may not really always have it all together. Down to the core of each story there comes a place where each of us might have thought "I can never ever get through this on my own". And thats the beauty of it, because we can't.

We've learned to stop sharing our stories, or to never share them to begin with. We've somehow made it through triumphs and tragedies teaching ourselves that talking about our heart is off limits. It takes too much energy, too much emotion, and risks everything. We risk letting others know what we are really thinking, the situations that we've gone through, and we risk others wanting to come alongside of us for the journey. Lets be real, as Christians we can really put a good legalistic spin on stories. We want to get to know someone "better" and have them share their "testimony". Admit it, you've done it or heard it asked before. A new person joins your small group, you begin to form a closer relationship with someone and the longer you get to know them the closer you are to asking them to share their "testimony" with you. That ruined me. The minute someone asks me to share my testimony at their convenience my stomach physically hurts, and I might want to hurt them too.

The thing is, most people aren't ready to share their story. We've been taught that sharing our story can be damaging, or can be a window into our lives that some people shouldn't have access to. Most of us have had people in our lives who have used circumstances to tear us down rather than build us up. We've also never learned how to share our story. We've all experienced the exact reason why we've learned to stop being transparent, because it leaves the risk of getting hurt. Your story should be protected, but not so much so that your heart hurts more because you aren't sharing it with others.  Please don't pursue someone just so that they can share their story with you if they don't want to. You might not be their safe place. We've learned this art of self preservation that sometimes can't be broken, until you yourself are willing to be transparent first. Sometimes waiting for that authenticity to break through takes more time than some are willing to give, and I'm ok with that.

I don't know about you, but as an expert introvert nothing terrifies me more than other people knowing about me and knowing my story. But heres the beautiful thing, my story can change something. Im confident of that. I know my story wasn't the result of a hundred accidents put together, or the result of 27 years of luck. My story is perfectly authored by the one who created me. Who am I to keep quiet? Who am I to hold onto these chapters of my life that have already been written out and convince myself that they are worthless? I have no authority over that. My story was meant for someone else. Isn't that what ministry is? You help the hurting, because you've hurt too. You speak to hearts of others with gentleness, truth, and honesty because someone else did that for you when you needed it. Ministry is loving others. How can we love others if we refuse to let others love us?

I think the process of learning how to share my story has been the most heart wrenching, emotionally draining process I've ever been through and I've barely started. Its taken 9 years for me to come to terms with myself that sharing my story might actually help my heart through the process of writing. Its taken 9 years to realize that talking about my deepest fears that have already come true might reveal to others that I'm human, and my hopes and fears might align with yours too. So, as my hands are shaking while Im typing, I want to write out my story. Uh, want is a strong word. I do not want to write it out, I am compelled to write my story because it is not my own. It is a heart changer, and I pray that while writing my story out word by word twists my heart into ways I may not want it to ever feel again, I pray that my story can pour into the story of someone else's. Thats authentic ministry.

Great Expectations

Oh, hey. Has it been this long? 

The last two posts that I wrote were focused on this amazing book I jumped into titled Unglued, along with the online study I began as a newbie. I don't know how much to say (or not say) about my expectations with completing an online book study. I love, love, looove the book and actually finished it within a week! If you don't know my life, you have to know that finishing anything is an accomplishment. I celebrate each book I finish reading in its entirety because its a major task to complete with my two busy boys. As I started getting in depth with the online book study I realized it was becoming a daily thing, and consuming more time than I was willing to give it. My priorities are very clear, and when other things begin to infringe on my top 3 I usually chose to drop it. So, through the online book study experience..there really are a lot of great things Ive taken with me from the book and can't wait to blog about those later. But until then, I'll need to try this blogging thing again without so many expectations placed on myself. 

When I started this blog I wanted to begin blogging almost daily, to record the big and the small. As I went through a week or two of thinking about everything I could be writing about, I was getting frustrated with myself that I wasn't able to keep up with my personal expectations of typing out my heart. For the past month Ive felt convicted about the expectations Ive placed on myself as a wife, mom, and ministry wife, and I'm trying to figure out where they even came from. The hidden expectations. The ones I decided to give myself when I chose to stay at home with my littles, and the ones I give myself daily. The ones I give myself when I walk through the doors of our church, and tried to take on the role of a children's director while jugging two littles in my arms while DH is working. The expectations that were stealing my joy & energy, and feeding that feeling inside that I was never doing enough. Thats the downside of a type-A personality... my personal to-do list was turning into my giant. I say it like it was in the past, its still a struggle. A huge one actually. But as Im going through the things in my life that need to improve so that I can be a healthier version of me, I started noticing all of the things that I spend my time focusing on that take my energy away from myself and my family. Its not an easy lesson to learn. Im a performance driven person and my affirmation comes in the form of knowing Im doing things well and giving 150%. Im learning (surprise!) that as a mom of two little guys who need me to meet their needs now more than ever, that giving 150% to anything else during the day just won't work. That energy that I was trying to use to give that extra "umph" to any task I was taking on was really being taken away from my day. That time I chose to spend worrying about what "will be" or what I could be doing better keeps leaving me with nothing left to give to anyone else, including myself.

So with that, I don't know how often I will blog. I hope I can get to it once a week and if I do less I won't be disappointed. If I do more, I'll just assume that its a week that has some extra time within it that I can use to write and be thankful. Sometimes doing less is doing more. In my case, by doing less I'm already finding out that I can do more. I can give more time, heart, and energy to the people that are most important to me without tearing myself down for those imaginary expectations that aren't being met. I know I can't be alone as a mom in this..so what are some of the expectations you hold for yourself that are actually draining you? Do they align with your top 3 priorities in your life? In what ways have you protected your top 3 priorities and found that by doing less you can really do more? 

Until another nap time.. 

Chapter 1: An Invitation to Imperfect Progress

Chapter 1: An Invitation to Imperfect Progress

My online assignment for today is to read chapter 1, use a highlighter to highlight parts I want to remember, and make notes of our memory verse. Were also asked to participate in the online discussion about a key quote or point I can take away from this chapter. Get ready, Im a quote junkie. I can't stick to just one!!  

Im obsessed with the message version of today's verse! I highlighted the parts that yelled at me!

Hebrews 12:1

 ^1-3 Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

"Emotions aren't bad."

I can't even make it through the first sentence of the chapter without quoting. Love this. As women, aren't we sometimes taught that emotions are negative? We cry too much, we took something too personal, or we read into something that wasn't there. Emotions aren't bad yall! Its how we handle them. 

"I will destroy the relationships I value most and wave into my life permanent threats of short-temperdness, shame, fear, and frustration. Is that what I really want?"

As Lysa writes about her towel tirade, she writes about how she's processing through her lack of self-control in the situation and her emotion explosion. If we refuse to get a handle on our emotions, this quote will ring true through every relationship in our daily interactions. Is this who we want to be known as? I know I don't, but according to the way I chose to handle different situations with my current heart condition Im not so sure I could say Im not doing this. 

"I know what its like to praise God one minute and in the next minute yell and scream at my child -- and then to feel the burden of my descriptive behavior and the shame of my powerlessness to stop it"

Im the guilt queen. More than daily I find myself reacting to situations in a way that I wouldn't have predicted. Im not sure if theres a worse feeling than the burden of not knowing if you can change but you want to more than life itself. What an amazing drive to push forward, recognize that pattern and to follow in "imperfect progress" to change that pattern. Im ready. Here are some more of my highlighted quotes from my copy of the book. They speak for themselves and to really absorb it Ive had to read them over and over again. 

"Sometimes we girls think if we don't make instant progress then real change isn't coming." 

"Imperfect changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace....imperfect progress". 

"How hard something is often depends on your vantage point."

"We won't bend from the weight of our past, but we will bow to the One who holes out hope for a better future."

"Our emotions can work for us instead of against us."

Im so excited to move into chapter 2. Ive already read through a few chapters of the book but taking time to process through each chapter individually is going to push me into a more permanent heart change if I take time to pray through this study and absorb all that it has for me. I challenge you to read through this blog in a way that helps your heart grow too. Im airing my dirty laundry through this study so that I can personally grow, not so that you can learn more about the gross parts of my heart. Please don't follow these posts if your desire is to learn more about me as an imperfect person! I want you to be reading through these as encouraged, challenged women who are ready to make a change with me and willing to be just as authentic. 

Thank goodness for grace. 

Unglued

This week Im starting my first online bible study with the book Unglued by Lisa Terkeurst. There are so many reasons why I chose to follow an online bible study, mostly for the amazing flexibility you can have as a mom with young kids and still be able to dive into a study with a community of other women. Im not driving my kids around during nap time, taking the boys to childcare, or going to a specific location to meet these ladies. Its going to take work on my part to set aside this time, to participate in the interactions, and not short-chage myself throughout this process. Im committing to make this a priority in my week and let the dishes and laundry sit so I can dive in and give this 100%. If you know me, you have to know that I thrive on being "busy" so this in itself is a huge heart challenge for me. Leaving the crazy amount of dishes in the sink this morning was no easy feat! I know my heart needs this time, and I can live with a messy kitchen this morning, it's better than a messy heart. 

Being a ministry wife it's tough to be a part of a small group setting where you experience certain expectations from different people, but mostly the ones I put on myself. After just finishing Pricilla Shirers book One In A Million I was challenged to move into unknown territory and surround myself with people who won't watch me too closely, who are diving in with authenticity, and a group that would include people from various denominations and life experiences. It challenged me to step outside of my comfort zone and move into a study with people who I don't personally know face-to-face and who might not know me either. Its not about my church or the specific studies offered there, its about my heart condition and taking time to step back from the weekly bible study small groups and refresh my heart around an online community who won't hold extra weight to my words because were a "ministry family". Lets be real, my family is at church almost on a daily basis. Between errands, going up to say hi to "daddy" and different volunteer roles, its time to make church a place I can't wait to arrive at instead of that "were here again" feeling. Like I said, its my heart condition. 

If your interested in following this study, click on Melissa Taylor's online bible study link and read how you can jump right in! Let me know if your participating! Id love to interact with you through my blog or facebook as we go through this study! 

The infamous chair

This purple chair is in high demand. 

This cozy chair invites you to come in and sit down after a long day of 22 first graders. This purple chair is a place where you can take a two minute get away before starting the second half of your teaching day, or a place where you can sit down for an hour with tears in your eyes and be able to pray through your deepest hurts. 

I love this purple chair. Mostly because it belongs to someone special. Someone who was near the purple chair praying for me, seeing through my tears, and to hand me a chai tea and send me on my way. When it was time for me to go, I can guarantee there was someone else waiting for their turn in the purple chair.

We crave purple chair time. 

I don't live near the purple chair anymore. Really, I haven't sat down in it for the past two years. The best part of the purple chair? It was a place where I could come with no agenda, expectations, or people surrounding me, and I could take a deep breath. I knew I was being prayed over, and loved on. 

Im praying that this blog can be that place for me. A place where the expectations take a back seat and I can take a deep breath. I pray that this is a place where I can process through ministry life, mommy-hood, and my story, in hopes to remind myself that in between my deepest hurts and my greatest joys it is all working together for good. Im so thankful thats a guaranteed promise.