"oh, and this is the youth pastor's wife"

When I was halfway through my college degree I decided that my family's plans for my future didn't exactly align with the direction that my heart was being pulled. Believe it or not law school actually sounded fun to me and although you will never burn away my passion for law, or arguing for that matter, my heart was pushed more and more towards the field of education. Thats right, I changed my life plan of going to law school to pursue a degree in elementary education. Imagine my family's surprise. Their idea of what my retirement (or theirs) looked like didn't exactly align with an elementary school teacher's salary. Listening to my objections and closing arguments as a teenager were not going to pay off like they thought. I had to decide whether I was going to allow other's opinions of what my future looked like to shape who I would be, or if I would refuse to ignore that gut feeling in my stomach that told me that education was my heart. Im so thankful that I continued to pursue education, because sometimes you can't ignore your heart and your happier for it. I was born to be a teacher. I love being a teacher. And even though Im at home with my sweet babies right now, I still teach. You can't ever take the teacher away from me, and I love that.

The whole point of that was to remind you (and me) of that time when you knew, you just knew where you should be in life. That feeling inside that tells you "yes, this is it" and that if you don't pursue something that your feeling led towards you would be ignoring something huge inside of you. I won't get all crazy spiritual on you but I live my life by praying through major decisions and trusting that my first step taken in fear usually results in a peace that blows away anything I could ever imagine. A peace that speaks to my heart and says "keep moving forward, this is where you are supposed to be". Im so thankful for the moments I actually choose to pray and pursue God's word about small or large decisions, and have such a clarity on the direction I should take. But not every moment feels like that, Im there right now. And because not every moment feels so secure to me I have to remember the times when I was sure, and I felt it fully that I was moving towards a place where I should be, fearful or not. You might know it as a "calling". I feel called to teach. I feel called to be a mom, and to be a mom that's at home with my littles during this life stage (even if the pay cut makes me cry daily). But in this very moment, Im praying that I begin to feel called to areas of my life that I might have never predicted, or chosen for myself.

I don't ever remember praying that I would grow up to be a ministry wife, I may have actually prayed that I would never grow up to be that. I was that high school girl talking on the back row of youth group with my friends about what our plans were for the weekend. I remember looking at people in church during college thinking how exhausting that must be to try so hard to be so good. But I do remember loving the ministry wives that I was surrounded by. I remember every single youth pastor and his wife, and the role she played in my life whether I knew her personally or not. I remember my pastor's wives, because they always seemed to be smiling the biggest (I have no idea how they did that) and loving the most. I remember my small group leaders in high school who poured into my sassy attitude every Sunday whether I was listening to them or more concerned about the boy at the next table. I remember.

When I met dh waaaay before we were engaged and learned more about his desire to pray about pursuing seminary post-grad I had no idea what that really could mean for my future. It seemed natural, and everything from applications to acceptance went faster and smoother than the actual time it took for him to pray about that decision. It was perfect really. It was everything my parents, or I, could dream of finding in a guy who wanted to pursue God and learn more about His word. When I heard that, I don't think it really, reaaaallly registered in my mind that pursuing an education from seminary usually went hand-in-hand with pursuing a position in ministry at the same time. I mean, its one thing to work at a summer camp in between college semesters but once college was over there were major decisions to be made about what "forever" really looks like, for both of us.

Somehow in between my decision to pursue education, and my then-boyfriend's desire to pursue seminary we collided our lives together (he put a ring on it) which meant it was time to decide what "our" life looked like, not just mine. Youth ministry was first on his radar as I finished up my student teaching. Sounded fun, and it fit his personality almost perfectly. He was hired, and so it began. He was called to do youth ministry. He was called to pursue families of kids in junior high and high school. He was called to disciple them along those 7 years of navigating a life through school and peers and learning how to love God and live that out.  He was also called to begin seminary. But I was still missing my "calling" for ministry. I didn't think I really needed one, I was perfectly happy teaching. Actually, nothing could make me happier than to teach. So I taught, and he ministered. We were really good at keeping the two separate. My life, and his life. My calling, and his calling.

(to be continued..)