What I Didn't Know a Year Ago

Im doing that awesome thing where you copy the idea of someone else.

It's allowed, I think.

That someone else is another piece of my heart who lives in Africa, and after reading her blog post What I Didn't Know Four Years Ago I couldn't stop thinking about how absolutely crazy it is to look back on this past year at all of the details of my story that have all led up to this very moment. I think I taught myself how to fear looking back into my past, and believed that looking back would keep me from moving forward. Its almost embarrassing to recognize the casual lies we let ourselves believe, and ultimately we let those lies turn into truths. We let those lies hold us back.

The farther backwards I began to look, the braver I felt. The farther back I began to remember and to process, I was willing to move forward. I was ready to move forward.

I didn't know a lot a year ago. I still don't know a lot, but looking back makes it a lot easier to walk forward with blindfolds on. I couldn't be more excited, terrified, and open to what this means.

A year ago I had no idea how God would redeem my moments of pure burnout and exhaustion and turn them into fuel for my dreams.

A year ago I didn't know that my deepest hurts, the things that were said about me, the things that I let define who I was, were the very things that I can now look at and squelch with the truth of who I am and who I was created to be. I didn't know that I would be able to believe that with confidence.

A year ago I didn't know that I could keep doing ministry. I didn't know that I could smile on a Sunday, or any other day really. I didn't know that it would get better.

A year ago I questioned every day that God laid out in front of my family. I questioned the big and the small, and I doubted. I doubted that there was more. I doubted that God knew how I was really feeling. A year ago I believed that every feeling I had was insignificant.

A year ago I wasn't sure what God was doing to my story, and I was so angry.

A year ago I could not have imagined that I would be find myself surrounded by challenging and encouraging movers and shakers who were ready to run full speed ahead with me. People who were ready to run forward and still be willing to look back at the same time.

A year ago I had no idea I would be up until 2am talking about my dreams with my husband, and that my mind would be spinning with this stirring inside that told me I was ready to move forward. I didn't know that this year I would be dreaming big, without limits, and be willing to throw my hands in the air and say yes. I didn't know that the word dream would even be in my vocabulary.

A year ago I didn't know that I would find myself sitting in a book study that would rattle everything inside of me. A study that is keeping me up at night, reminding me that we were created for this very thing, and one that might change the entire course of what I thought my pretty planned out life would look like.

I am so ready to dream.

That was all a year ago. This is now.

That year that I doubted, that I hated, that I cried and cursed, that year was meant for this very day. Without that year, I wouldn't be able to dream. I wouldn't be able to look forward.

Its easy to say it on a mountain top, and its hard to believe it in the pit. But those years and those days that feel absolutely impossible, they are all part of your story.

Your story can help you dream. Your story will be why you dream.

Ivy League Parent Confessions

I know it's not just me. It can't be.

In the past few weeks I have found myself swimming under the insane pressure to decide what my child's future will look like at the sweet little age of five. Yes, five. Call it crazy mom syndrome or call it real life decisions..I'm really not sure just yet.

The educational options within a fifteen mile radius of our home are unlimited. The schools, the curriculum, the teachers, the classroom size, and the tuition. Oh. my. lawd..the tuition. The thoughts of whether or not a year surrounded by twenty-two new tiny little strangers will scar him for the rest of his ever-loving educational life, or if you'd rather work three full time jobs so that your child can have educational possibilities that you never dreamed of having at the age of five. That my friends is what my poor husband is listening to right now.

Call me crazy but its a trap I am already finding myself falling into and my little man still has another six months to go before he stands tall as an official kindergartener. The trap begins with that insane fear that every decision you make for your child's future will ultimately screw. them. up. and leave them laying on a therapy couch in a few more years blaming it all on mom and dad. I'm sure it's more like a first-child, momma's boy, control-freak type of fear..but whatever it is..its for real.

The best part about these bizarre conversations I'm having with myself (and my poor husband) on a daily basis is that I am a teacher! All of these years I thought to myself that by the time my child would be ready for "big-kid school" I would handle that situation with calmness, ease, and even a slight arrogance that comes with "knowing" exactly what kindergarten looks like, because I taught it. Put motherhood into the equation and it turns you into a complete lunatic. Im not kidding. There is something about those momma emotions that just suck the fun out of some things. Maybe it's just me, and if it is..don't tell me.

Crazy aside, I am so thankful that I have the time and resources to sit down and read pure wisdom from other moms just like me when really all my mind can think about is making a t-chart of pros and cons of schools. I am absolutely in love with Jen Hatmaker's devotional Out of The Spin Cycle, and although its intended to be a 30 day momma devotional, I've cycled through it multiple times. I mean multiple. It might actually be an issue. There is just so much goodness and so many momma confessions that remind me that I am not alone. In one specific devo she talks about some momma moments that weren't exactly her proudest, and it was tempting to let those isolated events define how she viewed herself as a parent. But in true JH form, her words right after those hilarious stories hit me across the face.

"The right schools, the right clubs, the right teams... not enough. Perfect systems and by-the-book methods...not enough. Superior advantages and strategic positioning..not enough."

Yes. Yes. Yes.

They will remember how we lived in community, or how we chose not to. They will remember whether or not we chose to respond like Jesus, or if we chose to respond based on what they might have deserved. Sure, choosing the right schools, clubs, and sports will all influence our kids in different ways but allowing that to dominate my thoughts and parenting is beyond what God ever desired for me. I believe that God gives wisdom in those decisions, big or small, and I also believe its easier to try to control the situation as the momma-in-charge instead of waiting for that wisdom. I can let the ivy league parenting take control over my thoughts and decisions, or I can choose to remember the bottom line....I want my kids to grow up knowing how to love people, and love Jesus.

Thankfully, I also don't think that I am the only momma who struggles with this way of thinking. Its easy to get swallowed up in ivy league parenting mode. We put ourselves in the middle of these mom circles where we find ourselves in conversations that are swallowing us and sending us home re-evaulating all of our parenting choices because someone else isn't doing things the same way. We find ourselves second guessing decisions we've made or might make in the future because its not exactly aligned with the kid down the street's family. Or even better, we start reading things on Pinterest or other blogs that that steer us in a different parenting direction and has moms everywhere wondering if they can ever do "enough".

Its time to breathe, throw away the t-charts, get off of Pinterest for a while, and remember the bottom line. Am I showing my kids what living and loving like Jesus is about? The big stuff, the small stuff...it will all fall into place and most likely not on my time schedule. I can chose to pursue ivy league parenting, wear myself out, and try to control every external situation possible so that my children have the best possible life ahead of them, or I can trust God. I can love my kids well, and love God even more.