About that . . .

Im still working on this blogging thing. Something about sitting at a computer brings me right to Pinterest and hours of inspiration (can I get an Amen?). By hours I really mean hours I should be sleeping, and by inspiration I really mean things that I can drool over and requires zero brainpower. And lets be real, a "to be continued" sometimes just means I don't have the words yet. I was still waiting on those extra words and even today Im not so sure how I would choose to "continue" my last post. As I was processing what that looks like to bring two newly married individuals together, give one a strong vocational calling to ministry and trying to figure out how to merge the two worlds together, the words still would not come. Because Im really not sure how you do it well. Guess I should start that next chapter in my new book http://leadingandlovingit.com/equip/book/  I've been procrastinating on that focuses on this very thing.

After 2 big moves, lots of goodbyes, and a whole lot of new beginnings, its been harder and harder to embrace this "ministry" life. I keep wondering if this is what it is supposed to look like, if it is supposed to be this messy. We wouldn't normally choose the messy parts for our life and call them good. We really wouldn't even voluntarily walk into those messy parts and say "yes, this is where I want my family". Ministry gets messy regardless of where you are, and the longer my family was committing to this ministry life the faster my attitude was going downhill and questioning this calling for our family. And if were being real about it, even for my husband. Yep. I felt like we were running in this race, and I was in the back dying for a breath and considering pulling out all together. And then we moved again. 

Whether or not I felt like I was called into ministry, I was completely ignoring the beauty of letting my husband lead our family. I wasn't trusting that God had something in store for us that would remind my family and I why we love ministry, even the messy parts. There were so many days where I felt like my prayers were completely ignored and things might not ever slow down for us. I am so thankful I can now look back on those years and realize that it took me way too long to learn some tough things. While I was trying to figure out what it looked like to be a wife that didn't feel that extra strong calling into ministry, I was forgetting what that really meant.

And ya'll, when I say ministry, its really simple. It means my husband is on staff as a pastor. So where he works, is where we attend church. Its a 200%, we-are-all-in kind of thing. Its where my kids get to run the church halls Monday through Friday, and Sunday. It means my kids will grow up watching up close and personal what it is like to work at a church and really live it out on a daily basis. It means my kids will learn what real authentic community can look like, and loving on those who do and don't know Jesus. Its an up-close-and-personal kind of life. Our deepest desire is seeing our community transformed by the gospel. Its nothing super fancy, it just means he gets paid for doing what he loves the most in this entire world. Its a true privilege. 

I had so many different things in my life trying to tell me what that was supposed to look like, and yes (Im spilling it) I even got called out for not going to church some weeks! I had expectations, offended multiple people, and didn't quite match up to what many people were trying to tell me to be like. So while I was trying to figure out how I fit into this ministry thing and how I could be this "wife" in ministry that I never imagined I would be, I was listening to everything else around me telling me that I wasn't measuring up on a weekly basis. I didn't say hi to someone, I didn't invite so-and-so over for dinner as a "thank you" for what they did for me, I didn't make someone feel acknowledged, and I was way too busy with my two young kids to keep up with the social calendar I was supposed to maintain. I was letting everything around me tell me that I could never do this, and I wasn't meant to do this. And y'all, I can't make this stuff up. These things were confirmed verbally to me on an almost weekly basis.

Good thing I'm not! I really wasn't meant to do this, and I think it even makes me & God crack up every time I hear someone reference me as a pastors wife. But Im so thankful I can't, and I am so thankful that I don't meet every expectation. I am called to love well. To use my gifts, my talents, and what I can offer. My ministry is my husband, and as that overflows and my boys get older that might look different at different times. For now, its to love my husband well, to love my crazy little boys well, and to love others around me. A lot of times I won't do it very well, but being in ministry life challenges me to try again each day. I may not ever "feel" a calling into ministry, but I do know that you can't do it without your spouse. So while I was trying to figure out how I could fix this for myself, I was forgetting to just walk beside my husband. I forgot that he could walk through this with me instead of being my extra punching bag for why our family was so exhausted.

Im thankful I don't have it quite figured out yet. I have that special ability to be so hard headed that it takes a few tough lessons to really drive in a point, or to create a heart change (egh!). So through the ups and the downs I have to keep reminding myself to walk beside my hubs, and not in front or behind. And although I might physically cringe when I hear the phrase "pastors wife", don't think too much of it. Im healing from my past expectations, and looking forward to what the future holds. 

Since our move I have been told weekly by my husband and other pastors and families alike that there is no expectation on me as a ministry wife. And you know what? It makes me want to do more. It makes me look into the future with unending ideas on how I can use my gifts, because no one is telling me I'm not doing it good enough, or often enough. Its simple and so complicated, and Im starting to love it. Being a ministry wife means people watch you and your family, and thats ok. It means God has given my family an extra platform for His story, and I can either chose to resent that or I can chose to run with it. I wonder if there is a couch to 5K plan for that? I should Pinterest it. I think Im going to run with it.