About that . . .

Im still working on this blogging thing. Something about sitting at a computer brings me right to Pinterest and hours of inspiration (can I get an Amen?). By hours I really mean hours I should be sleeping, and by inspiration I really mean things that I can drool over and requires zero brainpower. And lets be real, a "to be continued" sometimes just means I don't have the words yet. I was still waiting on those extra words and even today Im not so sure how I would choose to "continue" my last post. As I was processing what that looks like to bring two newly married individuals together, give one a strong vocational calling to ministry and trying to figure out how to merge the two worlds together, the words still would not come. Because Im really not sure how you do it well. Guess I should start that next chapter in my new book http://leadingandlovingit.com/equip/book/  I've been procrastinating on that focuses on this very thing.

After 2 big moves, lots of goodbyes, and a whole lot of new beginnings, its been harder and harder to embrace this "ministry" life. I keep wondering if this is what it is supposed to look like, if it is supposed to be this messy. We wouldn't normally choose the messy parts for our life and call them good. We really wouldn't even voluntarily walk into those messy parts and say "yes, this is where I want my family". Ministry gets messy regardless of where you are, and the longer my family was committing to this ministry life the faster my attitude was going downhill and questioning this calling for our family. And if were being real about it, even for my husband. Yep. I felt like we were running in this race, and I was in the back dying for a breath and considering pulling out all together. And then we moved again. 

Whether or not I felt like I was called into ministry, I was completely ignoring the beauty of letting my husband lead our family. I wasn't trusting that God had something in store for us that would remind my family and I why we love ministry, even the messy parts. There were so many days where I felt like my prayers were completely ignored and things might not ever slow down for us. I am so thankful I can now look back on those years and realize that it took me way too long to learn some tough things. While I was trying to figure out what it looked like to be a wife that didn't feel that extra strong calling into ministry, I was forgetting what that really meant.

And ya'll, when I say ministry, its really simple. It means my husband is on staff as a pastor. So where he works, is where we attend church. Its a 200%, we-are-all-in kind of thing. Its where my kids get to run the church halls Monday through Friday, and Sunday. It means my kids will grow up watching up close and personal what it is like to work at a church and really live it out on a daily basis. It means my kids will learn what real authentic community can look like, and loving on those who do and don't know Jesus. Its an up-close-and-personal kind of life. Our deepest desire is seeing our community transformed by the gospel. Its nothing super fancy, it just means he gets paid for doing what he loves the most in this entire world. Its a true privilege. 

I had so many different things in my life trying to tell me what that was supposed to look like, and yes (Im spilling it) I even got called out for not going to church some weeks! I had expectations, offended multiple people, and didn't quite match up to what many people were trying to tell me to be like. So while I was trying to figure out how I fit into this ministry thing and how I could be this "wife" in ministry that I never imagined I would be, I was listening to everything else around me telling me that I wasn't measuring up on a weekly basis. I didn't say hi to someone, I didn't invite so-and-so over for dinner as a "thank you" for what they did for me, I didn't make someone feel acknowledged, and I was way too busy with my two young kids to keep up with the social calendar I was supposed to maintain. I was letting everything around me tell me that I could never do this, and I wasn't meant to do this. And y'all, I can't make this stuff up. These things were confirmed verbally to me on an almost weekly basis.

Good thing I'm not! I really wasn't meant to do this, and I think it even makes me & God crack up every time I hear someone reference me as a pastors wife. But Im so thankful I can't, and I am so thankful that I don't meet every expectation. I am called to love well. To use my gifts, my talents, and what I can offer. My ministry is my husband, and as that overflows and my boys get older that might look different at different times. For now, its to love my husband well, to love my crazy little boys well, and to love others around me. A lot of times I won't do it very well, but being in ministry life challenges me to try again each day. I may not ever "feel" a calling into ministry, but I do know that you can't do it without your spouse. So while I was trying to figure out how I could fix this for myself, I was forgetting to just walk beside my husband. I forgot that he could walk through this with me instead of being my extra punching bag for why our family was so exhausted.

Im thankful I don't have it quite figured out yet. I have that special ability to be so hard headed that it takes a few tough lessons to really drive in a point, or to create a heart change (egh!). So through the ups and the downs I have to keep reminding myself to walk beside my hubs, and not in front or behind. And although I might physically cringe when I hear the phrase "pastors wife", don't think too much of it. Im healing from my past expectations, and looking forward to what the future holds. 

Since our move I have been told weekly by my husband and other pastors and families alike that there is no expectation on me as a ministry wife. And you know what? It makes me want to do more. It makes me look into the future with unending ideas on how I can use my gifts, because no one is telling me I'm not doing it good enough, or often enough. Its simple and so complicated, and Im starting to love it. Being a ministry wife means people watch you and your family, and thats ok. It means God has given my family an extra platform for His story, and I can either chose to resent that or I can chose to run with it. I wonder if there is a couch to 5K plan for that? I should Pinterest it. I think Im going to run with it. 

"oh, and this is the youth pastor's wife"

When I was halfway through my college degree I decided that my family's plans for my future didn't exactly align with the direction that my heart was being pulled. Believe it or not law school actually sounded fun to me and although you will never burn away my passion for law, or arguing for that matter, my heart was pushed more and more towards the field of education. Thats right, I changed my life plan of going to law school to pursue a degree in elementary education. Imagine my family's surprise. Their idea of what my retirement (or theirs) looked like didn't exactly align with an elementary school teacher's salary. Listening to my objections and closing arguments as a teenager were not going to pay off like they thought. I had to decide whether I was going to allow other's opinions of what my future looked like to shape who I would be, or if I would refuse to ignore that gut feeling in my stomach that told me that education was my heart. Im so thankful that I continued to pursue education, because sometimes you can't ignore your heart and your happier for it. I was born to be a teacher. I love being a teacher. And even though Im at home with my sweet babies right now, I still teach. You can't ever take the teacher away from me, and I love that.

The whole point of that was to remind you (and me) of that time when you knew, you just knew where you should be in life. That feeling inside that tells you "yes, this is it" and that if you don't pursue something that your feeling led towards you would be ignoring something huge inside of you. I won't get all crazy spiritual on you but I live my life by praying through major decisions and trusting that my first step taken in fear usually results in a peace that blows away anything I could ever imagine. A peace that speaks to my heart and says "keep moving forward, this is where you are supposed to be". Im so thankful for the moments I actually choose to pray and pursue God's word about small or large decisions, and have such a clarity on the direction I should take. But not every moment feels like that, Im there right now. And because not every moment feels so secure to me I have to remember the times when I was sure, and I felt it fully that I was moving towards a place where I should be, fearful or not. You might know it as a "calling". I feel called to teach. I feel called to be a mom, and to be a mom that's at home with my littles during this life stage (even if the pay cut makes me cry daily). But in this very moment, Im praying that I begin to feel called to areas of my life that I might have never predicted, or chosen for myself.

I don't ever remember praying that I would grow up to be a ministry wife, I may have actually prayed that I would never grow up to be that. I was that high school girl talking on the back row of youth group with my friends about what our plans were for the weekend. I remember looking at people in church during college thinking how exhausting that must be to try so hard to be so good. But I do remember loving the ministry wives that I was surrounded by. I remember every single youth pastor and his wife, and the role she played in my life whether I knew her personally or not. I remember my pastor's wives, because they always seemed to be smiling the biggest (I have no idea how they did that) and loving the most. I remember my small group leaders in high school who poured into my sassy attitude every Sunday whether I was listening to them or more concerned about the boy at the next table. I remember.

When I met dh waaaay before we were engaged and learned more about his desire to pray about pursuing seminary post-grad I had no idea what that really could mean for my future. It seemed natural, and everything from applications to acceptance went faster and smoother than the actual time it took for him to pray about that decision. It was perfect really. It was everything my parents, or I, could dream of finding in a guy who wanted to pursue God and learn more about His word. When I heard that, I don't think it really, reaaaallly registered in my mind that pursuing an education from seminary usually went hand-in-hand with pursuing a position in ministry at the same time. I mean, its one thing to work at a summer camp in between college semesters but once college was over there were major decisions to be made about what "forever" really looks like, for both of us.

Somehow in between my decision to pursue education, and my then-boyfriend's desire to pursue seminary we collided our lives together (he put a ring on it) which meant it was time to decide what "our" life looked like, not just mine. Youth ministry was first on his radar as I finished up my student teaching. Sounded fun, and it fit his personality almost perfectly. He was hired, and so it began. He was called to do youth ministry. He was called to pursue families of kids in junior high and high school. He was called to disciple them along those 7 years of navigating a life through school and peers and learning how to love God and live that out.  He was also called to begin seminary. But I was still missing my "calling" for ministry. I didn't think I really needed one, I was perfectly happy teaching. Actually, nothing could make me happier than to teach. So I taught, and he ministered. We were really good at keeping the two separate. My life, and his life. My calling, and his calling.

(to be continued..)

Write it out.

We all have a story. Behind the "hey, how are you" and the "I'm fine" exchange there is a story for each face that is waiting to be shared. Each story is different, you may never hear the same exact one. We all hold onto different joys, different hurts, and can talk for hours about the different twists and turns that life has taken us through. Each story shared could change what friendship really looks like. Each story shared could have the potential to break down the walls that we so easily put up towards others, and reveal what authenticity really looks like. Each story shared could have the potential to shake up this world that we've created and show others that the straining of smiling faces may not really always have it all together. Down to the core of each story there comes a place where each of us might have thought "I can never ever get through this on my own". And thats the beauty of it, because we can't.

We've learned to stop sharing our stories, or to never share them to begin with. We've somehow made it through triumphs and tragedies teaching ourselves that talking about our heart is off limits. It takes too much energy, too much emotion, and risks everything. We risk letting others know what we are really thinking, the situations that we've gone through, and we risk others wanting to come alongside of us for the journey. Lets be real, as Christians we can really put a good legalistic spin on stories. We want to get to know someone "better" and have them share their "testimony". Admit it, you've done it or heard it asked before. A new person joins your small group, you begin to form a closer relationship with someone and the longer you get to know them the closer you are to asking them to share their "testimony" with you. That ruined me. The minute someone asks me to share my testimony at their convenience my stomach physically hurts, and I might want to hurt them too.

The thing is, most people aren't ready to share their story. We've been taught that sharing our story can be damaging, or can be a window into our lives that some people shouldn't have access to. Most of us have had people in our lives who have used circumstances to tear us down rather than build us up. We've also never learned how to share our story. We've all experienced the exact reason why we've learned to stop being transparent, because it leaves the risk of getting hurt. Your story should be protected, but not so much so that your heart hurts more because you aren't sharing it with others.  Please don't pursue someone just so that they can share their story with you if they don't want to. You might not be their safe place. We've learned this art of self preservation that sometimes can't be broken, until you yourself are willing to be transparent first. Sometimes waiting for that authenticity to break through takes more time than some are willing to give, and I'm ok with that.

I don't know about you, but as an expert introvert nothing terrifies me more than other people knowing about me and knowing my story. But heres the beautiful thing, my story can change something. Im confident of that. I know my story wasn't the result of a hundred accidents put together, or the result of 27 years of luck. My story is perfectly authored by the one who created me. Who am I to keep quiet? Who am I to hold onto these chapters of my life that have already been written out and convince myself that they are worthless? I have no authority over that. My story was meant for someone else. Isn't that what ministry is? You help the hurting, because you've hurt too. You speak to hearts of others with gentleness, truth, and honesty because someone else did that for you when you needed it. Ministry is loving others. How can we love others if we refuse to let others love us?

I think the process of learning how to share my story has been the most heart wrenching, emotionally draining process I've ever been through and I've barely started. Its taken 9 years for me to come to terms with myself that sharing my story might actually help my heart through the process of writing. Its taken 9 years to realize that talking about my deepest fears that have already come true might reveal to others that I'm human, and my hopes and fears might align with yours too. So, as my hands are shaking while Im typing, I want to write out my story. Uh, want is a strong word. I do not want to write it out, I am compelled to write my story because it is not my own. It is a heart changer, and I pray that while writing my story out word by word twists my heart into ways I may not want it to ever feel again, I pray that my story can pour into the story of someone else's. Thats authentic ministry.

Great Expectations

Oh, hey. Has it been this long? 

The last two posts that I wrote were focused on this amazing book I jumped into titled Unglued, along with the online study I began as a newbie. I don't know how much to say (or not say) about my expectations with completing an online book study. I love, love, looove the book and actually finished it within a week! If you don't know my life, you have to know that finishing anything is an accomplishment. I celebrate each book I finish reading in its entirety because its a major task to complete with my two busy boys. As I started getting in depth with the online book study I realized it was becoming a daily thing, and consuming more time than I was willing to give it. My priorities are very clear, and when other things begin to infringe on my top 3 I usually chose to drop it. So, through the online book study experience..there really are a lot of great things Ive taken with me from the book and can't wait to blog about those later. But until then, I'll need to try this blogging thing again without so many expectations placed on myself. 

When I started this blog I wanted to begin blogging almost daily, to record the big and the small. As I went through a week or two of thinking about everything I could be writing about, I was getting frustrated with myself that I wasn't able to keep up with my personal expectations of typing out my heart. For the past month Ive felt convicted about the expectations Ive placed on myself as a wife, mom, and ministry wife, and I'm trying to figure out where they even came from. The hidden expectations. The ones I decided to give myself when I chose to stay at home with my littles, and the ones I give myself daily. The ones I give myself when I walk through the doors of our church, and tried to take on the role of a children's director while jugging two littles in my arms while DH is working. The expectations that were stealing my joy & energy, and feeding that feeling inside that I was never doing enough. Thats the downside of a type-A personality... my personal to-do list was turning into my giant. I say it like it was in the past, its still a struggle. A huge one actually. But as Im going through the things in my life that need to improve so that I can be a healthier version of me, I started noticing all of the things that I spend my time focusing on that take my energy away from myself and my family. Its not an easy lesson to learn. Im a performance driven person and my affirmation comes in the form of knowing Im doing things well and giving 150%. Im learning (surprise!) that as a mom of two little guys who need me to meet their needs now more than ever, that giving 150% to anything else during the day just won't work. That energy that I was trying to use to give that extra "umph" to any task I was taking on was really being taken away from my day. That time I chose to spend worrying about what "will be" or what I could be doing better keeps leaving me with nothing left to give to anyone else, including myself.

So with that, I don't know how often I will blog. I hope I can get to it once a week and if I do less I won't be disappointed. If I do more, I'll just assume that its a week that has some extra time within it that I can use to write and be thankful. Sometimes doing less is doing more. In my case, by doing less I'm already finding out that I can do more. I can give more time, heart, and energy to the people that are most important to me without tearing myself down for those imaginary expectations that aren't being met. I know I can't be alone as a mom in this..so what are some of the expectations you hold for yourself that are actually draining you? Do they align with your top 3 priorities in your life? In what ways have you protected your top 3 priorities and found that by doing less you can really do more? 

Until another nap time.. 

Chapter 1: An Invitation to Imperfect Progress

Chapter 1: An Invitation to Imperfect Progress

My online assignment for today is to read chapter 1, use a highlighter to highlight parts I want to remember, and make notes of our memory verse. Were also asked to participate in the online discussion about a key quote or point I can take away from this chapter. Get ready, Im a quote junkie. I can't stick to just one!!  

Im obsessed with the message version of today's verse! I highlighted the parts that yelled at me!

Hebrews 12:1

 ^1-3 Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

"Emotions aren't bad."

I can't even make it through the first sentence of the chapter without quoting. Love this. As women, aren't we sometimes taught that emotions are negative? We cry too much, we took something too personal, or we read into something that wasn't there. Emotions aren't bad yall! Its how we handle them. 

"I will destroy the relationships I value most and wave into my life permanent threats of short-temperdness, shame, fear, and frustration. Is that what I really want?"

As Lysa writes about her towel tirade, she writes about how she's processing through her lack of self-control in the situation and her emotion explosion. If we refuse to get a handle on our emotions, this quote will ring true through every relationship in our daily interactions. Is this who we want to be known as? I know I don't, but according to the way I chose to handle different situations with my current heart condition Im not so sure I could say Im not doing this. 

"I know what its like to praise God one minute and in the next minute yell and scream at my child -- and then to feel the burden of my descriptive behavior and the shame of my powerlessness to stop it"

Im the guilt queen. More than daily I find myself reacting to situations in a way that I wouldn't have predicted. Im not sure if theres a worse feeling than the burden of not knowing if you can change but you want to more than life itself. What an amazing drive to push forward, recognize that pattern and to follow in "imperfect progress" to change that pattern. Im ready. Here are some more of my highlighted quotes from my copy of the book. They speak for themselves and to really absorb it Ive had to read them over and over again. 

"Sometimes we girls think if we don't make instant progress then real change isn't coming." 

"Imperfect changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace....imperfect progress". 

"How hard something is often depends on your vantage point."

"We won't bend from the weight of our past, but we will bow to the One who holes out hope for a better future."

"Our emotions can work for us instead of against us."

Im so excited to move into chapter 2. Ive already read through a few chapters of the book but taking time to process through each chapter individually is going to push me into a more permanent heart change if I take time to pray through this study and absorb all that it has for me. I challenge you to read through this blog in a way that helps your heart grow too. Im airing my dirty laundry through this study so that I can personally grow, not so that you can learn more about the gross parts of my heart. Please don't follow these posts if your desire is to learn more about me as an imperfect person! I want you to be reading through these as encouraged, challenged women who are ready to make a change with me and willing to be just as authentic. 

Thank goodness for grace. 

Unglued

This week Im starting my first online bible study with the book Unglued by Lisa Terkeurst. There are so many reasons why I chose to follow an online bible study, mostly for the amazing flexibility you can have as a mom with young kids and still be able to dive into a study with a community of other women. Im not driving my kids around during nap time, taking the boys to childcare, or going to a specific location to meet these ladies. Its going to take work on my part to set aside this time, to participate in the interactions, and not short-chage myself throughout this process. Im committing to make this a priority in my week and let the dishes and laundry sit so I can dive in and give this 100%. If you know me, you have to know that I thrive on being "busy" so this in itself is a huge heart challenge for me. Leaving the crazy amount of dishes in the sink this morning was no easy feat! I know my heart needs this time, and I can live with a messy kitchen this morning, it's better than a messy heart. 

Being a ministry wife it's tough to be a part of a small group setting where you experience certain expectations from different people, but mostly the ones I put on myself. After just finishing Pricilla Shirers book One In A Million I was challenged to move into unknown territory and surround myself with people who won't watch me too closely, who are diving in with authenticity, and a group that would include people from various denominations and life experiences. It challenged me to step outside of my comfort zone and move into a study with people who I don't personally know face-to-face and who might not know me either. Its not about my church or the specific studies offered there, its about my heart condition and taking time to step back from the weekly bible study small groups and refresh my heart around an online community who won't hold extra weight to my words because were a "ministry family". Lets be real, my family is at church almost on a daily basis. Between errands, going up to say hi to "daddy" and different volunteer roles, its time to make church a place I can't wait to arrive at instead of that "were here again" feeling. Like I said, its my heart condition. 

If your interested in following this study, click on Melissa Taylor's online bible study link and read how you can jump right in! Let me know if your participating! Id love to interact with you through my blog or facebook as we go through this study! 

The infamous chair

This purple chair is in high demand. 

This cozy chair invites you to come in and sit down after a long day of 22 first graders. This purple chair is a place where you can take a two minute get away before starting the second half of your teaching day, or a place where you can sit down for an hour with tears in your eyes and be able to pray through your deepest hurts. 

I love this purple chair. Mostly because it belongs to someone special. Someone who was near the purple chair praying for me, seeing through my tears, and to hand me a chai tea and send me on my way. When it was time for me to go, I can guarantee there was someone else waiting for their turn in the purple chair.

We crave purple chair time. 

I don't live near the purple chair anymore. Really, I haven't sat down in it for the past two years. The best part of the purple chair? It was a place where I could come with no agenda, expectations, or people surrounding me, and I could take a deep breath. I knew I was being prayed over, and loved on. 

Im praying that this blog can be that place for me. A place where the expectations take a back seat and I can take a deep breath. I pray that this is a place where I can process through ministry life, mommy-hood, and my story, in hopes to remind myself that in between my deepest hurts and my greatest joys it is all working together for good. Im so thankful thats a guaranteed promise.